I have just realized why my son Hayden is so special to me. It has a little to do with the fact that he is just so sweet you could use him to sweeten your tea, and how he wakes me up on saturdays by lightly stroking my nose till I wake up enough to let him cuddle up in bed with me and Daddy... but today I realized a deeper reason.
Just over three years ago I had a little boy, Deryk. I was single and not ready to be a mother yet so I made the decision to put my little Deryk up for adoption. I love his family, and I know with all my heart that he is with the right family, but adoption is always really hard. My stepson is just a bit older then Deryk, about two years older actually, but when he is here... I have my son. I have a little boys voice telling me he loves me and he misses me, and it feels right. It feels so good, like I never lost my son.
I know you might say that I didnt loose Deryk, I made the choice to let him go. Let me tell you now that it doesnt make it any easier that I CHOSE to not have him in my home every day. I knew that I was not able to provide the life I wanted for him, and I chose to let him go to another mother, another family. I chose not to have him in my arms and to not be able to give him kisses every hour on the hour because I knew he would have a better life with out me. And there can not be words to express how painful it is to know your child is better off with out you. God knows how much I love my son. I hope that one day he will know, and love me back.
That isnt to say that I am not a part of Deryks life now. I get pictures of him, have gone to visit and see him, but I am his mothers friend. I dont think he remembers who I am from one visit to the next. He is a huge part of my life, but at this point I am less of an influence then people he doesnt know.
Nothing can ever replace the baby I gave up, but I know now why Hayden is so dear to me. He is showing me what being a mother to a little boy is like, he is showing me what I could have had. And I love him for it.
Our little Family
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Negativity
I have realized that I have been very negative so far on this blog. This really isnt like me. I am quite a bubbly fun loving person. This blog has turned from its intended purpose of being a place to talk about my family, my home, my projects, and has become a place for me to vent all frustrations. I love my family. I adore my husband, my children, my life, but there has been a lot of stress in the last year that has left me feeling wrung out.
In the last year my husband and I moved to Texas. Before this he came home from Iraq and I quite my fairly good (but boring) job in order to spend as much time with him before the move. We went to court and got more time with the children, but also our child support was raised and we were no longer able to survive on his salary alone. After court his ex threatened to sue him on bogus charges. We couldn't afford to go to court again so he made an arraignment with her to pay her an extra 200 dollars a month for a year instead. I got a job for the christmas season, but then we had to pack up our stuff and make the drive from Alaska to Texas. During this time the breaks on our vehicle wore out and we were unable to repair them, so we drove an unsafe car then left it with my father to fix and sell.
The move was stressful, but in a good way, except for minor things like we no longer had debit cards and Canadian atms didnt like to give us cash sometimes.... also we lost his motorcycle trailer in the middle of Canada.. literally 100 miles from the nearest gas station any direction. We were able to see beautiful country, spend a lot of time with each other, and visit a lot of our family on the way down.
We found a house on the way down, it wasnt available for a few days after we got here, but we were able to stay with Eric's old friend. Also we managed to buy a truck, a really nice truck, our first day there. We moved into our house, bought a new sofa and a bed... made it a really nice home. I love my home. Over the next two months I tried to find a job (it is a difficult market here) and tried to set up house as best as possible. I found free and cheap things on craigslist and refinished them to match, painted frames to match and put pictures up... it looks great.
Shortly after we moved we found out Eric's daughter, Kyra, needed brain surgery for her condition called Chiari Malformation. Chiari is a malformation of her skull and brain which causes it to sit wrong. This causes an increased pressure on the brain that can bring up lots of symptoms. Kyra needed a surgery where they cut a block out of her skull and try to reshape the inside of the bone to release the pressure... provide extra support for her brain. While this surgery is scary in and of itself, Eric has an uncle who died from complications from his chiari surgery (an outdated form of Kyras surgery), as well as a cousin who recently had the same surgery (she is doing fine). Kyra came out of it just fine. We were in New Mexico for her surgery and recovery for a week. It is very hard to see your baby go though that.
Since then we have struggled to pay our bills, having our water and electricity turned off, a couple of times our phones, our cable was turned off for months, and we are trying to keep our truck from being repossessed. Even with that I havent been able to make sure even our credit cards are paid.
I got a job, but it paid next to nothing and the boss was dreadful. It got to the point that I got depressed at the very idea of having to go in there and see him.
We had the children for the summer, but even during this time we still paid full child support to his ex. Even when we were trying to keep the power on, and paying for daycare, all that, we were still paying for child support to the woman who sent all three children to us for the entire summer WITH OUT A SINGLE THING. Crystal sent her kids to us with out a change of clothes, with out tooth brushes, with out toys. Told them that we already had every thing they need.
Since the kids have gone back to her she has yelled at me, refused to let the kids call me by the name we decided on (we decided that it wasnt alright anymore for the kids to call me by my first name so we decided on a maternal nick name.) she told the kids that it was disrespectful to call me by the name we had asked them to use. Then she sent us a summons to court to lower our time with the kids. From eight weeks to 2 weeks. For a dance class.
I quite my job that had been so terrible. I thought for sure it would be easier to get a job this time. It has been over a month and I am still trying so hard to find someone to hire me. I went from wanting a good job, one that would pay well and could be a career. At least something I could stay with for two years, until we move. But now I am so desperate I dont care what job I get. Where it is. I dont care even how much I make, as long as it is SOMETHING I am bringing into the house.
Then my husband started having to be gone for a week at a time in the field, we got so low on money that I started trying to sell my stuff on craigslist, my electricity was turned off for the whole week he was gone.. then my husband was so angry he wasnt talking to me for several days... or having sex. I know it was horrible then, we usually have sex every day, every other day at least. The fact that he didnt touch me for next to a week... I was sure he was going to leave me.
On top of that we have been off birth control for over a year and trying to get pregnant to no avail. I have been trying so hard to have a baby. I feel like my body is letting me down, but at the same time I know we cant afford to have a baby. I know it would be next to disastrous if we got pregnant. But I cant help but be depressed every month.
I am stressed out beyond compare. I am scared and lonely, I dont know what to do. I have no idea how we are going to pull ourselves out of this financial hell. I know I need to go to school to get a better job, but how can I afford to go to school? I cant afford to go to school full time and work only part. I dont know how well I would do at school if I was focusing on work too. I dont know what to do. I cant talk to family about most of this, I have to keep upbeat for Eric so he isnt as stressed out too... So this is my story, this is my vent. I will be depressing and negative here so I can keep it together the rest of the time.
We are going to move as soon as our lease is up in two months so we can save money there. I have had a couple of interviews this weeks so I can pray I get something... My mycaa plan went though, so I can even THINK about college. maybe things will work.
In the last year my husband and I moved to Texas. Before this he came home from Iraq and I quite my fairly good (but boring) job in order to spend as much time with him before the move. We went to court and got more time with the children, but also our child support was raised and we were no longer able to survive on his salary alone. After court his ex threatened to sue him on bogus charges. We couldn't afford to go to court again so he made an arraignment with her to pay her an extra 200 dollars a month for a year instead. I got a job for the christmas season, but then we had to pack up our stuff and make the drive from Alaska to Texas. During this time the breaks on our vehicle wore out and we were unable to repair them, so we drove an unsafe car then left it with my father to fix and sell.
The move was stressful, but in a good way, except for minor things like we no longer had debit cards and Canadian atms didnt like to give us cash sometimes.... also we lost his motorcycle trailer in the middle of Canada.. literally 100 miles from the nearest gas station any direction. We were able to see beautiful country, spend a lot of time with each other, and visit a lot of our family on the way down.
We found a house on the way down, it wasnt available for a few days after we got here, but we were able to stay with Eric's old friend. Also we managed to buy a truck, a really nice truck, our first day there. We moved into our house, bought a new sofa and a bed... made it a really nice home. I love my home. Over the next two months I tried to find a job (it is a difficult market here) and tried to set up house as best as possible. I found free and cheap things on craigslist and refinished them to match, painted frames to match and put pictures up... it looks great.
Shortly after we moved we found out Eric's daughter, Kyra, needed brain surgery for her condition called Chiari Malformation. Chiari is a malformation of her skull and brain which causes it to sit wrong. This causes an increased pressure on the brain that can bring up lots of symptoms. Kyra needed a surgery where they cut a block out of her skull and try to reshape the inside of the bone to release the pressure... provide extra support for her brain. While this surgery is scary in and of itself, Eric has an uncle who died from complications from his chiari surgery (an outdated form of Kyras surgery), as well as a cousin who recently had the same surgery (she is doing fine). Kyra came out of it just fine. We were in New Mexico for her surgery and recovery for a week. It is very hard to see your baby go though that.
Since then we have struggled to pay our bills, having our water and electricity turned off, a couple of times our phones, our cable was turned off for months, and we are trying to keep our truck from being repossessed. Even with that I havent been able to make sure even our credit cards are paid.
I got a job, but it paid next to nothing and the boss was dreadful. It got to the point that I got depressed at the very idea of having to go in there and see him.
We had the children for the summer, but even during this time we still paid full child support to his ex. Even when we were trying to keep the power on, and paying for daycare, all that, we were still paying for child support to the woman who sent all three children to us for the entire summer WITH OUT A SINGLE THING. Crystal sent her kids to us with out a change of clothes, with out tooth brushes, with out toys. Told them that we already had every thing they need.
Since the kids have gone back to her she has yelled at me, refused to let the kids call me by the name we decided on (we decided that it wasnt alright anymore for the kids to call me by my first name so we decided on a maternal nick name.) she told the kids that it was disrespectful to call me by the name we had asked them to use. Then she sent us a summons to court to lower our time with the kids. From eight weeks to 2 weeks. For a dance class.
I quite my job that had been so terrible. I thought for sure it would be easier to get a job this time. It has been over a month and I am still trying so hard to find someone to hire me. I went from wanting a good job, one that would pay well and could be a career. At least something I could stay with for two years, until we move. But now I am so desperate I dont care what job I get. Where it is. I dont care even how much I make, as long as it is SOMETHING I am bringing into the house.
Then my husband started having to be gone for a week at a time in the field, we got so low on money that I started trying to sell my stuff on craigslist, my electricity was turned off for the whole week he was gone.. then my husband was so angry he wasnt talking to me for several days... or having sex. I know it was horrible then, we usually have sex every day, every other day at least. The fact that he didnt touch me for next to a week... I was sure he was going to leave me.
On top of that we have been off birth control for over a year and trying to get pregnant to no avail. I have been trying so hard to have a baby. I feel like my body is letting me down, but at the same time I know we cant afford to have a baby. I know it would be next to disastrous if we got pregnant. But I cant help but be depressed every month.
I am stressed out beyond compare. I am scared and lonely, I dont know what to do. I have no idea how we are going to pull ourselves out of this financial hell. I know I need to go to school to get a better job, but how can I afford to go to school? I cant afford to go to school full time and work only part. I dont know how well I would do at school if I was focusing on work too. I dont know what to do. I cant talk to family about most of this, I have to keep upbeat for Eric so he isnt as stressed out too... So this is my story, this is my vent. I will be depressing and negative here so I can keep it together the rest of the time.
We are going to move as soon as our lease is up in two months so we can save money there. I have had a couple of interviews this weeks so I can pray I get something... My mycaa plan went though, so I can even THINK about college. maybe things will work.
slights
It is really quite difficult when silly little oversights feel like snubs. Silly, LITTLE things that I understand with my head but it still hurts my pride. My sister in law posts a quiz on line and taggs in all the women in Erics family- except me. Erics sister gets married, and has my husband, children, parents in law, her brothers, their wives, and children all in the wedding party but not me. I am only in one wedding photo as well, although my children and husband are in many. My mother and father in law visit his brother and his wife several times a year, in fact she is there right now, but they are not sure if they can come see us for chistmas... or any other time.
I understand it, His sister isnt very close to me. We never spent any time together and haven't bonded, her other sister in laws have been around in her family and in her town for a long time. She chose people she knew and loved for her bridesmaids. Of course I understand that, but still it hurts that I was the ONLY one in the family that wasnt "involved".
With his parent's, I even understand that. His brother has two children that the grandparents want to see. In our home there is only us. Also his brother lived close by until two years ago - Eric hasnt lived near his parents for four years, and our children still live near them. We are lower priority to visit. Still it hurts that we moved to Texas in order to be closer to his family (as close as we can be in the army) and no one has bothered to visit us. We have to go to them always.
And with his sister in law, we are not close either.. to be honest I am surprised when she does talk to me... but if you post a random quiz that says "tag 25 people in" and you are going though your list of friends... if she is selecting all our family (women) how hard is it to remember me?
As I said, it is all little, stupid things that alone dont mean anything. But together it just makes me feel like they are all telling me that I am not a member of the family... especially when I know they are doing things and talking to Erics ex wife. She was not asked to be in the wedding party (thank god) but she was asked to sit with the family, which is exactly the same thing I was. And while I know none of them mean to hurt me... I feel like they tolerate me, not welcome me into their family.
I understand it, His sister isnt very close to me. We never spent any time together and haven't bonded, her other sister in laws have been around in her family and in her town for a long time. She chose people she knew and loved for her bridesmaids. Of course I understand that, but still it hurts that I was the ONLY one in the family that wasnt "involved".
With his parent's, I even understand that. His brother has two children that the grandparents want to see. In our home there is only us. Also his brother lived close by until two years ago - Eric hasnt lived near his parents for four years, and our children still live near them. We are lower priority to visit. Still it hurts that we moved to Texas in order to be closer to his family (as close as we can be in the army) and no one has bothered to visit us. We have to go to them always.
And with his sister in law, we are not close either.. to be honest I am surprised when she does talk to me... but if you post a random quiz that says "tag 25 people in" and you are going though your list of friends... if she is selecting all our family (women) how hard is it to remember me?
As I said, it is all little, stupid things that alone dont mean anything. But together it just makes me feel like they are all telling me that I am not a member of the family... especially when I know they are doing things and talking to Erics ex wife. She was not asked to be in the wedding party (thank god) but she was asked to sit with the family, which is exactly the same thing I was. And while I know none of them mean to hurt me... I feel like they tolerate me, not welcome me into their family.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Stepmothers
Well, I am back because I am just plain too angry and hurt to sleep. I know that you might think I am being ridiculous or too sensitive, but how would you feel? You are supposed to love them like they are your own, care for them as though they were your own, but if it ever comes to you having and rights with the kids.... well, They arent yours. You got to understand, Alexus, Kyra and Hayden are my BABIES. They are my children, the only children I have. I love them. I wish they lived with us all year long, I wish I got to help Kyra with her reading, and could keep practicing letters with Hayden, and could take Lexie out on dates when ever we have a chance. I know being a mother is hard, and I LOVE it. I want to be the one who makes them eat their veggies and reminds them to do their homework. I LOVED this summer because as hard as all the adjustments were, they were with us, we were a family. And now I find out that next summer I not only lose my husband for a year, I dont get to see my children for the year either. Not unless I go visit them. And I tell you, when I go visit them and we are all staying at their grandmothers house, we are not a family. She makes all the rules,tells them what to do and when they are done with dinner and I am just a guest. A guest who is told what to do by grandma. I understand her not wanting the kids to be with me the whole time their visit is scheduled, all 8 weeks... but to say they are not allowed to come see me at ALL, not unless GRANDMA COMES WITH THEM?
Whenever Eric has to call Crystal and work something out with her we end up getting in a fight. I know I am being sensitive, but how would you feel if your husband, wife, significant other... called up someone they used to share their life, their bed with, and started talking. Not just talking but TALKING, deciding how they are going to raise their children, bringing up "well you know me" sounding.... chummy. IT HURTS! I can feel my jaw locking up and my eyebrows furrowing together as the conversation goes on. I KNOW he doesnt like talking to her... but why does he have to sound so FRIENDLY? Anyways, I get mad about her, the fact that she is SO awful, and he gets upset that I am upset, and we both end up going to bed angry when ever he has to call and talk to her. Maybe its the fact that when she said that she wouldnt let the kids come see me he didnt strongly object. Maybe its the fact that when she says stuff like " well i talked to the kids and they know if they take this class they wont get to see you very much, but they want to take it anyways!" he doesnt tell her that she is their MOTHER and is the one who decided to let the girls get into a class that takes time away from their FATHER... They arent old enough to put them selves in that class, she decided that it was more important. Not only that she decided instead of telling him she wanted to put them in that class she decided to bring us to court over it. Maybe its because I cant hear what she says, only his side of the conversation, and when I ask him about it afterwards... to find out what is going on that WILL EFFECT me as well, he gets angry and doesnt want to discuss it. I feel like I am being left out. Who likes their husband making decisions with his ex wife instead of you?
all of this stuff with other people, other parents, other decision makers makes me sometimes want to go off and have a baby all by myself. I will be the one who makes decisions, I will be the one who parents. NOT an EX, not a mother in law, NOT any one else. Just me. My child. Everyone else can just fuck off.
Whenever Eric has to call Crystal and work something out with her we end up getting in a fight. I know I am being sensitive, but how would you feel if your husband, wife, significant other... called up someone they used to share their life, their bed with, and started talking. Not just talking but TALKING, deciding how they are going to raise their children, bringing up "well you know me" sounding.... chummy. IT HURTS! I can feel my jaw locking up and my eyebrows furrowing together as the conversation goes on. I KNOW he doesnt like talking to her... but why does he have to sound so FRIENDLY? Anyways, I get mad about her, the fact that she is SO awful, and he gets upset that I am upset, and we both end up going to bed angry when ever he has to call and talk to her. Maybe its the fact that when she said that she wouldnt let the kids come see me he didnt strongly object. Maybe its the fact that when she says stuff like " well i talked to the kids and they know if they take this class they wont get to see you very much, but they want to take it anyways!" he doesnt tell her that she is their MOTHER and is the one who decided to let the girls get into a class that takes time away from their FATHER... They arent old enough to put them selves in that class, she decided that it was more important. Not only that she decided instead of telling him she wanted to put them in that class she decided to bring us to court over it. Maybe its because I cant hear what she says, only his side of the conversation, and when I ask him about it afterwards... to find out what is going on that WILL EFFECT me as well, he gets angry and doesnt want to discuss it. I feel like I am being left out. Who likes their husband making decisions with his ex wife instead of you?
all of this stuff with other people, other parents, other decision makers makes me sometimes want to go off and have a baby all by myself. I will be the one who makes decisions, I will be the one who parents. NOT an EX, not a mother in law, NOT any one else. Just me. My child. Everyone else can just fuck off.
I am so angry
So last christmas time Eric went to court with his EX in order to change his time with the children. It was decided that although we live far away from them Eric gets the children every other weekend, every other christmas and spring break vacation as well as all but two weeks of the summer. So eight weeks of summer. Since then we have had them only for the eight weeks of summer, but we have already gotten a summons to court in order to change our time with the kids. Tonight Eric called her to find out what she was trying to get, and to see if they could work it out outside of court.
Crystal informed him that the girls wanted to be in competitive dance and cheer classes and would thus be unable to be away from their teams for 8 weeks for the summer. Because this dance class, and now cheer is SO very important to the children she is taking us to court to reduce our legal time with HIS CHILDREN to.... wait for it..... two and a half MAYBE three weeks tops during the summer.
This is a man who fights for his country. Not just as someone who is in the army and fuels cars up, he is in the infantry, on the ground fighting for his life and his country for twelve months every other year. And she just told him that she thinks that it is more important for the kids to be in a competitive dance class then get to know their father.
Her defense was, well, they know that you love them. Honestly? of COURSE they know we love them. What they also need to know is their father and their step mother. They need to know they have a home with us, they need to know there are rules in our house. They need to know what we expect of them, and they need to know that we will always be there for them. They need to know US not just that we love them.
Does she have any clue what happens to little girls who grow up with out their father? Those girls get in trouble. Those girls chase bad men to get attention... those girls throw their lives away. Why would she risk that when their father is DYING to have a good, healthy, involved relationship with them??
Then of course as he is going to deploy again he asked her if she was planning on having the children be able to visit me when he was gone. Her response? No. The children can come visit me IF his mother takes them. If I go to see them she will PROBABLY let them see me (last time he was deployed and I traveled from Alaska to New Mexico to see them for a birthday she refused to let them see me.. and then gave in and let me have about 5 hours with them all week). But the children will not be allowed to travel to texas to see me. I will not be allowed to have them in my home with out their father there.
They are my children too and I am not allowed to see them with out a chaperon. I feel like an abusive parent who isnt allowed to visit their children. I have NEVER done anything to hurt my children, and despite everything she has done to my husband and I, I have NEVER done anything to her, nor have I ever spoken ill about her to or around the children. I have been very careful to be careful of her feelings in all things including not being able to touch my husband in any way while in her presence. I have tried to be friendly and helpful, I wrote her letters about what the children were up to while they were with us, I sent her a birthday card. and now I am able to come visit and maybe be able to see OUR children, because as a blended family they are ALL OF OUR CHILDREN, for a little while.
She allows Erics mother and father to take them out of state. She allows her parents and grandparents to take them out of state. She allows them to spend time alone with all of his brothers and his sister. She will not allow their step mother to spend time alone with them after TWO YEARS of being in their family. The children love me, that is not an issue. I love them, I couldnt love them more if I had given birth to them, and I am allowed less time with them then strangers.
I love my babies. But being a step mother is the hardest thing in the world. You have to love them as your own, but not step on any toes. Be a parent to them, while acknowledging that you are not their mother. You have to know that they are in your family, in your home and in your heart while you are not allowed to make any decisions for them or about them. And what about when there is another child in the family? Even though YOU ARE the mother of one and allowed to decide their rules and restrictions, you can not make things different for the different children. Does this mean you have to raise YOUR baby by another womans rules just because she procreated with your husband first? How do you assure the children you love them all the same when you are only able to TRULY mother one of them? WHY DOES SHE MAKE EVERYTHING SO DIFFICULT??
Crystal informed him that the girls wanted to be in competitive dance and cheer classes and would thus be unable to be away from their teams for 8 weeks for the summer. Because this dance class, and now cheer is SO very important to the children she is taking us to court to reduce our legal time with HIS CHILDREN to.... wait for it..... two and a half MAYBE three weeks tops during the summer.
This is a man who fights for his country. Not just as someone who is in the army and fuels cars up, he is in the infantry, on the ground fighting for his life and his country for twelve months every other year. And she just told him that she thinks that it is more important for the kids to be in a competitive dance class then get to know their father.
Her defense was, well, they know that you love them. Honestly? of COURSE they know we love them. What they also need to know is their father and their step mother. They need to know they have a home with us, they need to know there are rules in our house. They need to know what we expect of them, and they need to know that we will always be there for them. They need to know US not just that we love them.
Does she have any clue what happens to little girls who grow up with out their father? Those girls get in trouble. Those girls chase bad men to get attention... those girls throw their lives away. Why would she risk that when their father is DYING to have a good, healthy, involved relationship with them??
Then of course as he is going to deploy again he asked her if she was planning on having the children be able to visit me when he was gone. Her response? No. The children can come visit me IF his mother takes them. If I go to see them she will PROBABLY let them see me (last time he was deployed and I traveled from Alaska to New Mexico to see them for a birthday she refused to let them see me.. and then gave in and let me have about 5 hours with them all week). But the children will not be allowed to travel to texas to see me. I will not be allowed to have them in my home with out their father there.
They are my children too and I am not allowed to see them with out a chaperon. I feel like an abusive parent who isnt allowed to visit their children. I have NEVER done anything to hurt my children, and despite everything she has done to my husband and I, I have NEVER done anything to her, nor have I ever spoken ill about her to or around the children. I have been very careful to be careful of her feelings in all things including not being able to touch my husband in any way while in her presence. I have tried to be friendly and helpful, I wrote her letters about what the children were up to while they were with us, I sent her a birthday card. and now I am able to come visit and maybe be able to see OUR children, because as a blended family they are ALL OF OUR CHILDREN, for a little while.
She allows Erics mother and father to take them out of state. She allows her parents and grandparents to take them out of state. She allows them to spend time alone with all of his brothers and his sister. She will not allow their step mother to spend time alone with them after TWO YEARS of being in their family. The children love me, that is not an issue. I love them, I couldnt love them more if I had given birth to them, and I am allowed less time with them then strangers.
I love my babies. But being a step mother is the hardest thing in the world. You have to love them as your own, but not step on any toes. Be a parent to them, while acknowledging that you are not their mother. You have to know that they are in your family, in your home and in your heart while you are not allowed to make any decisions for them or about them. And what about when there is another child in the family? Even though YOU ARE the mother of one and allowed to decide their rules and restrictions, you can not make things different for the different children. Does this mean you have to raise YOUR baby by another womans rules just because she procreated with your husband first? How do you assure the children you love them all the same when you are only able to TRULY mother one of them? WHY DOES SHE MAKE EVERYTHING SO DIFFICULT??
Christmas
Christmas is coming up. Along with Christmas our time with our children is coming up. I cannot wait to see my babies, but the children are a state away and with travel comes cost. Their mother has always refused to help out in any way, so we are stuck with driving 12 hours to pick the kids up, 12 hours home... and do it again a week later. We dont have the money to do this while I am out of work. Heck, even if I got a job today we wouldn't have time to be able to afford that.
Our next thought was that we could travel to New Mexico and stay with Eric's parents for a week, spend Christmas with them. This shouldn't be such a big deal as Eric has spent every Christmas with them, except when he was deployed. Additionally the children would also spend Christmas with his parents (Eric's parents love to have the children at every opportunity) AND their mother would be able to see them during our time with the kids, which she should like. The problem is we have two wonderful dogs and a kitten who would need to come with us, as we cannot afford a doggy daycare and none of our friends are available to dog or house sit. We asked Eric's parents if we could bring the pets with us, his brother brings all three of his dogs every time they visit, but we were told no. His father hates cats and his mother feels our german shepherd will eat her yorkies.
His mothers reply was that maybe we could drive halfway to New Mexico, they will drive halfway to us, we will meet in Lubbock and spend the weekend there, then we take the kids back home. That way we only have to drive all the way there and back once right! The issue with that is that we do not know anyone in Lubbock, dont have money to spend on a hotel for a weekend and all that. So... what if they drive all the way here, spend the weekend with us. Grandparents could see our home for the first time, visit with us and we will take them to all the fun stuff around town. Neither of our parents have come to visit us yet ( mine have a lot longer way to go and have promised to visit as soon as they get time off work) and we would really love to have them see our home. They routinely visit his other brother who lives in Colorado. Nonnie informed us that it was much too far away for them to travel, it would take way too much time, and we couldn't expect them to take the time to visit us. Never mind the fact that in the 9 months since we have moved here we have traveled to see them and the children about 6 times.
So we are going to have to look and see what we can do for Christmas... This is our time with the children that we dont get to see very often, and next year Eric will be in Afghanistan, and we dont even know if their mother will allow the children to spend any time with me when their father is away. She has always been very recalcitrant to allow me any time with our kids, and extremely hesitant to admit I have any relationship with them at all.
My sister called and told me she had airlines miles and could fly me to Alaska to see my family for Christmas, but as much as I would love to see everyone, I need to spend this Christmas with my children. This is our first Christmas we will be able to have together. Eric was deployed for our first Christmas, the next we were preparing to move to Texas, and now this one. Next Christmas he will be deployed...
We cant miss this time to see them. I already miss my babies.
Our next thought was that we could travel to New Mexico and stay with Eric's parents for a week, spend Christmas with them. This shouldn't be such a big deal as Eric has spent every Christmas with them, except when he was deployed. Additionally the children would also spend Christmas with his parents (Eric's parents love to have the children at every opportunity) AND their mother would be able to see them during our time with the kids, which she should like. The problem is we have two wonderful dogs and a kitten who would need to come with us, as we cannot afford a doggy daycare and none of our friends are available to dog or house sit. We asked Eric's parents if we could bring the pets with us, his brother brings all three of his dogs every time they visit, but we were told no. His father hates cats and his mother feels our german shepherd will eat her yorkies.
His mothers reply was that maybe we could drive halfway to New Mexico, they will drive halfway to us, we will meet in Lubbock and spend the weekend there, then we take the kids back home. That way we only have to drive all the way there and back once right! The issue with that is that we do not know anyone in Lubbock, dont have money to spend on a hotel for a weekend and all that. So... what if they drive all the way here, spend the weekend with us. Grandparents could see our home for the first time, visit with us and we will take them to all the fun stuff around town. Neither of our parents have come to visit us yet ( mine have a lot longer way to go and have promised to visit as soon as they get time off work) and we would really love to have them see our home. They routinely visit his other brother who lives in Colorado. Nonnie informed us that it was much too far away for them to travel, it would take way too much time, and we couldn't expect them to take the time to visit us. Never mind the fact that in the 9 months since we have moved here we have traveled to see them and the children about 6 times.
So we are going to have to look and see what we can do for Christmas... This is our time with the children that we dont get to see very often, and next year Eric will be in Afghanistan, and we dont even know if their mother will allow the children to spend any time with me when their father is away. She has always been very recalcitrant to allow me any time with our kids, and extremely hesitant to admit I have any relationship with them at all.
My sister called and told me she had airlines miles and could fly me to Alaska to see my family for Christmas, but as much as I would love to see everyone, I need to spend this Christmas with my children. This is our first Christmas we will be able to have together. Eric was deployed for our first Christmas, the next we were preparing to move to Texas, and now this one. Next Christmas he will be deployed...
We cant miss this time to see them. I already miss my babies.
Monday, November 1, 2010
16 and Pregnant
is a RIDICULOUS SHOW! Little kids are having children and are being DUMB! Why do they feel the need to start having sex when they are still children? They think they are sooo grown up, but they do not understand the concept of responsibility or commitment, instead they are focused on how "romantic" it would be to have a child together... how it will make the daddy come back to them. How they can finally get love because THEY didnt really have a mother. A baby is not a replacement for a parent. Having a baby will not make an unstable relationship work. Just ask my Eric. His Ex got pregnant at 16 and he married her to do the right thing. He spent the next 7 years in a miserable relationship, had two more children, and ended up divorced with years of baggage and an ex wife he cant get rid of no matter how hard she makes our lives.
These girls think they are so grown up because they are pregnant, but becoming pregnant doesnt make you an adult. Why dont any of these little girls think that maybe adoption might be the best decision for their children? They arent adults, they arent responsible obviously as they GOT pregnant at 16, why do they think that they are the best adult for this child?
These girls think they are so grown up because they are pregnant, but becoming pregnant doesnt make you an adult. Why dont any of these little girls think that maybe adoption might be the best decision for their children? They arent adults, they arent responsible obviously as they GOT pregnant at 16, why do they think that they are the best adult for this child?
Honey is away so the cats must.... find a job
Eric left at 0330 this morning to play at being Taliban for a week in the woods. Training. Naturally of course this means that when I got home and checked the mail bills are all due. Bills always seem to be due when you dont have any money dont they? I quit my job at a daycare at the beginning of the month (lets call it personality differences between me and the boss) and so money has been tighter then usual. I need to take the opportunity this week to find a new job. It seems difficult to me to find a job here in Texas, I have never had such trouble getting a job in Alaska. I would turn in a couple applications and if I got an interview I got a job offer. Here though, I cant find a job though the wanted ads... not many businesses are advertising there, I have made a resume and filled out applications, but so far not even a nibble! There is nothing quite like a job search to make you feel down on yourself. I know that I am a young, attractive, intelligent and creative woman with plenty to offer... but trying to find a job makes me feel worthless.. who would hire me?? And even when I start out thinking I am going to try to find a BETTER job... one with potential, one that I can grow with, stay with.... before long I realize I am not qualified for any of those jobs and they will never hire me.
That is why I am so determined to get into the nursing program at CTC. If I can go to school and get a degree, I can get a job that is not only a job, its a career, one I can be proud of. One that will allow me to really help my husband out and let us get ahead. But again... I have to get in. And before I can think about improving our future, I have to improve our present, and that means I have to find a new job NOW.
That is why I am so determined to get into the nursing program at CTC. If I can go to school and get a degree, I can get a job that is not only a job, its a career, one I can be proud of. One that will allow me to really help my husband out and let us get ahead. But again... I have to get in. And before I can think about improving our future, I have to improve our present, and that means I have to find a new job NOW.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Babies
I always thought that having a baby would be easy. After all, I had my first child with out even trying, and way before I was ready. However now that I am married and settled and wanting a child to call my own... Now motherhood is proving to be illusive.
Eric and I quit our method of birth control just over a year ago, in July of 2009. We reasoned that while we were not ready to start actively trying for a child, deppo takes a long while to wear off, and we would be ready before too long. I expected to become pregnant with in three months to be quite honest. It has now been 15 months. I know that to some couples attempting to have children this is still a short while, but I cannot express to you the pain that comes every month with the news that yet again... your body has failed.
I have tried to keep it to ourselves that we so desperately want children, I dont want our mothers, friends, family constantly asking the question that I am already tormenting myself with. What is wrong with me? Why am I not pregnant yet? Every single month has become a test. Am I pregnant yet? I call Eric in the middle of the day to announce with defeat, I started.
I have thought I was pregnant twice now. No, not thought. I have been convinced I was pregnant twice. In July, and again in October. Both times we were so happy, ecstatic, trying test after test, reasoning that they came back negative because it was too early. Both times I set up a doctors appointment, and both times started bleeding the day before I saw the doctor. It shatters you. I cried all the way home after the doctor confirmed I had been mistaken.
When someone who is actively trying to get pregnant doesn't achieve pregnancy with in twelve months the doctors recommend you see a specialist. I went to the Scott & White fertility department in Temple. The doctors there were very nice and performed a pelvic exam, blood work to test for hormonal problems, an ultrasound to look for physical problems, and a tubal x-ray to make sure that my fallopian tubes were not blocked. A tubal x-ray hurts more then just about anything for anyone who is wondering. Apparently I checked out alright. I am fertile. The next step is to have a sperm count taken for your significant other. One would not think that this all would be necessary, I mean, I have had a successful pregnancy before, which resulted in the most perfect little boy. My husband has three children with his ex wife... neither of us should be having problems with fertility right?
Eric is understandably embarrassed to get the sperm count done. Since he is military he has to get it done with the army hospital, or get a reference to see someone else. That doesn't seem too bad, except no one seems to know if he can just go to the hospital and make an appointment, or if he has to go to sick call and see the medics first. So this whole situation has resulted in him having to talk to WAY too many guys at work in order to get any answers, and as you can probably guess, it is mortifying for a man. Not to mention that during all this he keeps having to leave to do training, go to schools, and in general, be gone and unable to do anything.
I suppose that we would be just fine waiting and keep trying... we are bound to have a baby someday right? Except Eric is, as we all know, Army. He is going to deploy again within the year... So if I am not able to get pregnant soon we might miss our opportunity to have a child for another year after that! And if it continues to be a problem after he comes home, simply because of his deployment status it feels like our chance to have a family is slipping by.
The problem with trying so hard to have a baby, and with being unsuccessful for so long, and not trying to broadcast it to everyone I know is that Eric ends up being the one person I talk to about children... and I talk a lot. I hope he doesnt get frustrated with me.
Now, for anyone who feels that for some reason we should not have a child because I said we have children already.... I had a baby before I was ready. I was able to find my son a wonderful family who love him very very much, and I am so blessed to have them in my life, but it means I do not have children. My husband has three children with his ex wife, but the children live with her in a different state. I LOVE my stepchildren. They are the light in my life and I wish they lived with us all the time, but they do not. Although I wish I was I am not their mother. I have no say in their lives, except to love them. Their father works very hard to be an active and positive part of their lives, but we have to fight for every minute we spend with them. Eric and I need OUR children. Someone who lives in our home, who see us every day, to whom we are mum and daddy. We love our children, but we need our baby.
I hope soon to be able to announce to the world that Emmalyn Rose or Tristan James is coming to our lives. However they come, I have been praying for this child and I love them before they are made.
Eric and I quit our method of birth control just over a year ago, in July of 2009. We reasoned that while we were not ready to start actively trying for a child, deppo takes a long while to wear off, and we would be ready before too long. I expected to become pregnant with in three months to be quite honest. It has now been 15 months. I know that to some couples attempting to have children this is still a short while, but I cannot express to you the pain that comes every month with the news that yet again... your body has failed.
I have tried to keep it to ourselves that we so desperately want children, I dont want our mothers, friends, family constantly asking the question that I am already tormenting myself with. What is wrong with me? Why am I not pregnant yet? Every single month has become a test. Am I pregnant yet? I call Eric in the middle of the day to announce with defeat, I started.
I have thought I was pregnant twice now. No, not thought. I have been convinced I was pregnant twice. In July, and again in October. Both times we were so happy, ecstatic, trying test after test, reasoning that they came back negative because it was too early. Both times I set up a doctors appointment, and both times started bleeding the day before I saw the doctor. It shatters you. I cried all the way home after the doctor confirmed I had been mistaken.
When someone who is actively trying to get pregnant doesn't achieve pregnancy with in twelve months the doctors recommend you see a specialist. I went to the Scott & White fertility department in Temple. The doctors there were very nice and performed a pelvic exam, blood work to test for hormonal problems, an ultrasound to look for physical problems, and a tubal x-ray to make sure that my fallopian tubes were not blocked. A tubal x-ray hurts more then just about anything for anyone who is wondering. Apparently I checked out alright. I am fertile. The next step is to have a sperm count taken for your significant other. One would not think that this all would be necessary, I mean, I have had a successful pregnancy before, which resulted in the most perfect little boy. My husband has three children with his ex wife... neither of us should be having problems with fertility right?
Eric is understandably embarrassed to get the sperm count done. Since he is military he has to get it done with the army hospital, or get a reference to see someone else. That doesn't seem too bad, except no one seems to know if he can just go to the hospital and make an appointment, or if he has to go to sick call and see the medics first. So this whole situation has resulted in him having to talk to WAY too many guys at work in order to get any answers, and as you can probably guess, it is mortifying for a man. Not to mention that during all this he keeps having to leave to do training, go to schools, and in general, be gone and unable to do anything.
I suppose that we would be just fine waiting and keep trying... we are bound to have a baby someday right? Except Eric is, as we all know, Army. He is going to deploy again within the year... So if I am not able to get pregnant soon we might miss our opportunity to have a child for another year after that! And if it continues to be a problem after he comes home, simply because of his deployment status it feels like our chance to have a family is slipping by.
The problem with trying so hard to have a baby, and with being unsuccessful for so long, and not trying to broadcast it to everyone I know is that Eric ends up being the one person I talk to about children... and I talk a lot. I hope he doesnt get frustrated with me.
Now, for anyone who feels that for some reason we should not have a child because I said we have children already.... I had a baby before I was ready. I was able to find my son a wonderful family who love him very very much, and I am so blessed to have them in my life, but it means I do not have children. My husband has three children with his ex wife, but the children live with her in a different state. I LOVE my stepchildren. They are the light in my life and I wish they lived with us all the time, but they do not. Although I wish I was I am not their mother. I have no say in their lives, except to love them. Their father works very hard to be an active and positive part of their lives, but we have to fight for every minute we spend with them. Eric and I need OUR children. Someone who lives in our home, who see us every day, to whom we are mum and daddy. We love our children, but we need our baby.
I hope soon to be able to announce to the world that Emmalyn Rose or Tristan James is coming to our lives. However they come, I have been praying for this child and I love them before they are made.
Happy Halloween
Today has been a wonderful Halloween. I didnt think my Darling Honey would be here for Halloween, he was supposed to be gone at an army training school, but as with the army things change and I am happy he is here. Because I expected to be alone for Halloween I didn't prepare to do anything... I had no costume, no candy, no decorations. We went on a last minute candy run and spent the day watching ZOMBIE MOVIES!! I found Delilah (princess beagle)'s pirate halloween costume from a few years ago, and tried to make a pirate costume for Samson... It ended up being a red sash and an attempt at a bandanna... kinda funny.
I am currently trying to get into Central Texas College, Nursing program right now. I am really quite excited about it. Very nervous, but excited. I never really thought about going to college before. It is very confusing trying to figure out not only the college admissions, but MyCAA program too. MyCAA is the military spouses continuing education program. They pay for a certificate or associates degree taking no more then three years to complete. I hope I will be able to start this comming semester rather then have to wait for the fall semester next year.
I have been volunteered as the troop CARE TEAM leader. I am still a bit unsure what all that is going to entail, but so far I have been putting together gift baskets for the new babies born in our troop. In addition to shopping for the usual cute bibs and booties and onesie I have been trying to make little things for them as well: Burp cloths, receiving blankets.. I also made a hat! It was a really cute crochet hat with black ears and a triangle nose . I have been trying to make some quilted blankets for the families in the future too. The two I have finished are really cute. I will post a picture of them soon.
I decided to make my christmas gifts for family this year. We drew Erics mother and his brother Jason for gifts on his families side. I made Jason a garden stepping stone mosaic. It is in the shape of a leaf and I wrote "Many things grow * that arent sown" around the outside. I will add a picture of this too soon. I am very proud of it as my first attempt at a mosaic, and my first attempt at a stepping stone, Ive been wanting to try it for awhile. I think I will make a different one for his mother, and some of my family too. For my mother I am trying my hand at embroidery. My mother always had a set of pillowcases she was embroidering roses on, so I got some pillowcases with tulips (her favorite flower) on them. Hopefully this will turn out well. I have only tried cross stitch before, so we will see. My younger sister decided she needs another blanket so I will try to quilt for her. I am having a lot of fun trying out more crafts.
In the mean time, I am trying to find a job. It seems very hard to do in Texas right now. Hopefully the army employment readiness program can help me out.
I am currently trying to get into Central Texas College, Nursing program right now. I am really quite excited about it. Very nervous, but excited. I never really thought about going to college before. It is very confusing trying to figure out not only the college admissions, but MyCAA program too. MyCAA is the military spouses continuing education program. They pay for a certificate or associates degree taking no more then three years to complete. I hope I will be able to start this comming semester rather then have to wait for the fall semester next year.
I have been volunteered as the troop CARE TEAM leader. I am still a bit unsure what all that is going to entail, but so far I have been putting together gift baskets for the new babies born in our troop. In addition to shopping for the usual cute bibs and booties and onesie I have been trying to make little things for them as well: Burp cloths, receiving blankets.. I also made a hat! It was a really cute crochet hat with black ears and a triangle nose . I have been trying to make some quilted blankets for the families in the future too. The two I have finished are really cute. I will post a picture of them soon.
I decided to make my christmas gifts for family this year. We drew Erics mother and his brother Jason for gifts on his families side. I made Jason a garden stepping stone mosaic. It is in the shape of a leaf and I wrote "Many things grow * that arent sown" around the outside. I will add a picture of this too soon. I am very proud of it as my first attempt at a mosaic, and my first attempt at a stepping stone, Ive been wanting to try it for awhile. I think I will make a different one for his mother, and some of my family too. For my mother I am trying my hand at embroidery. My mother always had a set of pillowcases she was embroidering roses on, so I got some pillowcases with tulips (her favorite flower) on them. Hopefully this will turn out well. I have only tried cross stitch before, so we will see. My younger sister decided she needs another blanket so I will try to quilt for her. I am having a lot of fun trying out more crafts.
In the mean time, I am trying to find a job. It seems very hard to do in Texas right now. Hopefully the army employment readiness program can help me out.
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