Stepmothers

            Well, I am back because I am just plain too angry and hurt to sleep. I know that you might think I am being ridiculous or too sensitive, but how would you feel? You are supposed to love them like they are your own, care for them as though they were your own, but if it ever comes to you having and rights with the kids.... well, They arent yours. You got to understand, Alexus, Kyra and Hayden are my BABIES. They are my children, the only children I have. I love them. I wish they lived with us all year long, I wish I got to help Kyra with her reading, and could keep practicing letters with Hayden, and could take Lexie out on dates when ever we have a chance. I know being a mother is hard, and I LOVE it. I want to be the one who makes them eat their veggies and reminds them to do their homework. I LOVED this summer because as hard as all the adjustments were, they were with us, we were a family. And now I find out that next summer I not only lose my husband for a year, I dont get to see my children for the year either. Not unless I go visit them. And I tell you, when I go visit them and we are all staying at their grandmothers house, we are not a family. She makes all the rules,tells them what to do and when they are done with dinner and I am just a guest. A guest who is told what to do by grandma.  I understand her not wanting the kids to be with me the whole time their visit is scheduled, all 8 weeks... but to say they are not allowed to come see me at ALL, not unless GRANDMA COMES WITH THEM?

            Whenever Eric has to call Crystal and work something out with her we end up getting in a fight. I know I am being sensitive, but how would you feel if your husband, wife, significant other... called up someone they used to share their life, their bed with, and started talking. Not just talking but TALKING, deciding how they are going to raise their children, bringing up "well you know me" sounding.... chummy. IT HURTS! I can feel my jaw locking up and my eyebrows furrowing together as the conversation goes on. I KNOW he doesnt like talking to her... but why does he have to sound so FRIENDLY? Anyways, I get mad about her, the fact that she is SO awful, and he gets upset that I am upset, and we both end up going to bed angry when ever he has to call and talk to her. Maybe its the fact that when she said that she wouldnt let the kids come see me he didnt strongly object. Maybe its the fact that when she says stuff like " well i talked to the kids and they know if they take this class they wont get to see you very much, but they want to take it anyways!" he doesnt tell her that she is their MOTHER and is the one who decided to let the girls get into a class that takes time away from their FATHER...  They arent old enough to put them selves in that class, she decided that it was more important. Not only that she decided instead of telling him she wanted to put them in that class she decided to bring us to court over it.  Maybe its because I cant hear what she says, only his side of the conversation, and when I ask him about it afterwards... to find out what is going on that WILL EFFECT me as well, he gets angry and doesnt want to discuss it. I feel like I am being left out. Who likes their husband making decisions with his ex wife instead of you?

all of this stuff with other people, other parents, other decision makers  makes me sometimes want to go off and have a baby all by myself. I will be the one who makes decisions, I will be the one who parents. NOT an EX, not a mother in law, NOT any one else. Just me. My child. Everyone else can just fuck off.