Babies

               I always thought that having a baby would be easy. After all, I had my first child with out even trying, and way before I was ready. However now that I am married and settled and wanting a child to call my own... Now motherhood is proving to be illusive.
               Eric and I quit our method of birth control just over a year ago, in July of 2009. We reasoned that while we were not ready to start actively trying for a child, deppo takes a long while to wear off, and we would be ready before too long. I expected to become pregnant with in three months to be quite honest. It has now been 15 months. I know that to some couples attempting to have children this is still a short while, but I cannot express to you the pain that comes every month with the news that yet again... your body has failed.
              I have tried to keep it to ourselves that we so desperately want children, I dont want our mothers, friends, family constantly asking the question that I am already tormenting myself with. What is wrong with me? Why am I not pregnant yet? Every single month has become a test. Am I pregnant yet? I call Eric in the middle of the day to announce with defeat, I started. 
              I have thought I was pregnant twice now. No, not thought. I have been convinced I was pregnant twice. In July, and again in October. Both times we were so happy, ecstatic, trying test after test, reasoning that they came back negative because it was too early. Both times I set up a doctors appointment, and both times started bleeding the day before I saw the doctor. It shatters you. I cried all the way home after the doctor confirmed I had been mistaken.
               When someone who is actively trying to get pregnant doesn't achieve pregnancy with in twelve months the doctors recommend you see a specialist. I went to the Scott & White fertility department in Temple. The doctors there were very nice and performed a pelvic exam, blood work to test for hormonal problems, an ultrasound to look for physical problems, and a tubal x-ray to make sure that my fallopian tubes were not blocked. A tubal x-ray hurts more then just about anything for anyone who is wondering.  Apparently I checked out alright. I am fertile. The next step is to have a sperm count taken for your significant other.  One would not think that this all would be necessary, I mean, I have had a successful pregnancy before, which resulted in the most perfect little boy. My husband has three children with his ex wife... neither of us should be having problems with fertility right?
                Eric is understandably embarrassed to get the sperm count done. Since he is military he has to get it done with the army hospital, or get a reference to see someone else. That doesn't seem too bad, except no one seems to know if he can just go to the hospital and make an appointment, or if he has to go to sick call and see the medics first. So this whole situation has resulted in him having to talk to WAY too many guys at work in order to get any answers, and as you can probably guess, it is mortifying for a man. Not to mention that during all this he keeps having to leave to do training, go to schools, and in general, be gone and unable to do anything.
               I suppose that we would be just fine waiting and keep trying... we are bound to have a baby someday right? Except Eric is, as we all know, Army. He is going to deploy again within the year... So if I am not able to get pregnant soon we might miss our opportunity to have a child for another year after that! And if it continues to be a problem after he comes home, simply because of his deployment status it feels like our chance to have a family is slipping by.
               The problem with trying so hard to have a baby, and with being unsuccessful for so long, and not trying to broadcast it to everyone I know is that Eric ends up being the one person I talk to about children... and I talk a lot. I hope he doesnt get frustrated with me.
                Now, for anyone who feels that for some reason we should not have a child because I said we have children already.... I had a baby before I was ready. I was able to find my son a wonderful family who love him very very much, and I am so blessed to have them in my life, but it means I do not have children. My husband has three children with his ex wife, but the children live with her in a different state. I LOVE my stepchildren. They are the light in my life and I wish they lived with us all the time, but they do not. Although I wish I was I am not their mother. I have no say in their lives, except to love them. Their father works very hard to be an active and positive part of their lives, but we have to fight for every minute we spend with them. Eric and I need OUR children. Someone who lives in our home, who see us every day, to whom we are mum and daddy. We love our children, but we need our baby.
                  I hope soon to be able to announce to the world that Emmalyn Rose or Tristan James is coming to our lives. However they come, I have been praying for this child and I love them before they are made.