Negativity

I have realized that I have been very negative so far on this blog. This really isnt like me. I am quite a bubbly fun loving person. This blog has turned from its intended purpose of being a place to talk about my family, my home, my projects,  and has become a place for me to vent all frustrations. I love my family. I adore my husband, my children, my life, but there has been a lot of stress in the last year that has left me feeling wrung out.

In the last year my husband and I moved to Texas. Before this he came home from Iraq and I quite my fairly good (but boring) job in order to spend as much time with him before the move.  We went to court and got more time with the children, but also our child support was raised and we were no longer able to survive on his salary alone. After court his ex threatened to sue him on bogus charges. We couldn't afford to go to court again so he made an arraignment with her to pay her an extra 200 dollars a month for a year instead. I got a job for the christmas season, but then we had to pack up our stuff and make the drive from Alaska to Texas. During this time the breaks on our vehicle wore out and we were unable to repair them, so we drove an unsafe car then left it with my father to fix and sell.

The move was stressful, but in a good way, except for minor things like we no longer had debit cards and Canadian atms didnt like to give us cash sometimes.... also we lost his motorcycle trailer in the middle of Canada.. literally 100 miles from the nearest gas station any direction. We were able to see beautiful country, spend a lot of time with each other, and visit a lot of our family on the way down.

We found a house on the way down, it wasnt available for a few days after we got here, but we were able to stay with Eric's old friend. Also we managed to buy a truck, a really nice truck, our first day there. We moved into our house, bought a new sofa and a bed... made it a really nice home. I love my home. Over the next two months I tried to find a job (it is a difficult market here) and tried to set up house as best as possible. I found free and cheap things on craigslist and refinished them to match, painted frames to match and put pictures up... it looks great.

Shortly after we moved we found out Eric's daughter, Kyra, needed brain surgery for her condition called Chiari Malformation. Chiari is a malformation of her skull and brain which causes it to sit wrong. This causes an increased pressure on the brain that can bring up lots of symptoms.  Kyra needed a surgery where they cut a block out of her skull and try to reshape the inside of the bone to release the pressure... provide extra support for her brain. While this surgery is scary in and of itself, Eric has an uncle who died from complications from his chiari surgery (an outdated form of Kyras surgery), as well as a cousin who recently had the same surgery (she is doing fine). Kyra came out of it just fine. We were in New Mexico for her surgery and recovery for a week.  It is very hard to see your baby go though that.

Since then we have struggled to pay our bills, having our water and electricity turned off, a couple of times our phones, our cable was turned off for months, and we are trying to keep our truck from being repossessed. Even with that I havent been able to make sure even our credit cards are paid.

I got a job, but it paid next to nothing and the boss was dreadful. It got to the point that I got depressed at the very idea of having to go in there and see him. 

We had the children for the summer, but even during this time we still paid full child support to his ex. Even when we were trying to keep the power on, and paying for daycare, all that, we were still paying for child support to the woman who sent all three children to us for the entire summer WITH OUT A SINGLE THING. Crystal sent her kids to us with out a change of clothes, with out tooth brushes, with out toys. Told them that we already had every thing they need. 

Since the kids have gone back to her she has yelled at me, refused to let the kids call me by the name we decided on (we decided that it wasnt alright anymore for the kids to call me by my first name so we decided on a maternal nick name.) she told the kids that it was disrespectful to call me by the name we had asked them to use.  Then she sent us a summons to court to lower our time with the kids. From eight weeks to 2 weeks. For a dance class.

I quite my job that had been so terrible. I thought for sure it would be easier to get a job this time. It has been over a month and I am still trying so hard to find someone to hire me. I went from wanting a good job, one that would pay well and could be a career. At least something I could stay with for two years, until we move. But now I am so desperate I dont care what job I get. Where it is. I dont care even how much I make, as long as it is SOMETHING I am bringing into the house.

Then my husband started having to be gone for a week at a time in the field, we got so low on money that I started trying to sell my stuff on craigslist, my electricity was turned off for the whole week he was gone.. then my husband was so angry he wasnt talking to me for several days... or having sex. I know it was horrible then, we usually have sex every day, every other day at least.  The fact that he didnt touch me for next to a week... I was sure he was going to leave me.

On top of that we have been off birth control for over a year and trying to get pregnant to no avail. I have been trying so hard to have a baby. I feel like my body is letting me down, but at the same time I know we cant afford to have a baby. I know it would be next to disastrous if we got pregnant. But I cant help but be depressed every month.

I am stressed out beyond compare. I am scared and lonely, I dont know what to do. I have no idea how we are going to pull ourselves out of this financial hell.  I know I need to go to school to get a better job, but how can I afford to go to school? I cant afford to go to school full time and work only part. I dont know how well I would do at school if I was focusing on work too.  I dont know what to do. I cant talk to family about most of this, I have to keep upbeat for Eric so he isnt as stressed out too... So this is my story, this is my vent. I will be depressing and negative here so I can keep it together the rest of the time.

We are going to move as soon as our lease is up in two months so we can save money there. I have had a couple of interviews this weeks so I can pray I get something... My mycaa plan went though, so I can even THINK about college. maybe things will work.