My Sons

I have just realized why my son Hayden is so special to me. It has a little to do with the fact that he is just so sweet you could use him to sweeten your tea, and how he wakes me up on saturdays by lightly stroking my nose till I wake up enough to let him cuddle up in bed with me and Daddy... but today I realized a deeper reason.

Just over three years ago I had a little boy, Deryk. I was single and not ready to be a mother yet so I made the decision to put my little Deryk up for adoption. I love his family, and I know with all my heart that he is with the right family, but adoption is always really hard.  My stepson is just a bit older then Deryk, about two years older actually, but when he is here... I have my son.  I have a little boys voice telling me he loves me and he misses me, and it feels right. It feels so good, like I never lost my son.

I know you might say that I didnt loose Deryk, I made the choice to let him go.  Let me tell you now that it doesnt make it any easier that I CHOSE to not have him in my home every day.  I knew that I was not able to provide the life I wanted for him, and I chose to let him go to another mother, another family. I chose not to have him in my arms and to not be able to give him kisses every hour on the hour because I knew he would have a better life with out me. And there can not be words to express how painful it is to know your child is better off with out you.  God knows how much I love my son. I hope that one day he will know, and love me back.

That isnt to say that I am not a part of Deryks life now. I get pictures of him, have gone to visit and see him, but I am his mothers friend.  I dont think he remembers who I am from one visit to the next. He is a huge part of my life, but at this point I am less of an influence then people he doesnt know.

Nothing can ever replace the baby I gave up, but I know now why Hayden is so dear to me.  He is showing me what being a mother to a little boy is like, he is showing me what I could have had. And I love him for it.